Happy Wednesday. So, last night New Hampshire clarified a few things for us. First, that Donald Trump will probably be the Republican nominee for 2024. True. That's as much a lock as President Biden making up a new word.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: We'll teach Donald Trump a valuable lesson. Don't mess with [indecipherable] unless you want to get the benefit.
Wait, what was that lesson exactly? Don't give a microphone to someone with dementia? The second lesson? That Dana Perino will never be welcome in New Hampshire again. Dana, that was a water fountain, not a bidet. Now, somehow, Nikki Haley came out and gave a victory speech, which is kind of like the Hindenburg declaring victory over fire. But, wow, she's doing like a speech like she won.
FOX NEWS VOTER ANALYSIS: TRUMP TOPS HALEY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DONALD TRUMP: I said, well, she's doing, like a speech, like she won. She didn't win. She lost. This is not your typical victory speech. But let's not have somebody take a victory when she had a very bad night. She had a very bad night.
A very bad night. And yet I can go up and I can say to everybody, oh, thank you for the victory.
DONALD TRUMP: I said, I can go up and I can say to everybody, oh, thank you for the victory. It's wonderful. It's... or I can go up and say, who the hell was the imposter that went up on the stage before and like, claimed a victory? She did very poorly, actually.
Tis true. But do you find in life you can't let people get away with b******?
DONALD TRUMP: I find in life you can't let people get away with b******, OK? You can't. You just can't do that. Now, when I watched her in the fancy dress, it probably wasn't so fancy. Come up, I said, what's she doing? We won.
BIDEN WINS NEW HAMPSHIRE DEMOCRAT PRIMARY AFTER WRITE-IN CAMPAIGN
The dress not so fancy. Trump carried New Hampshire by double digits in a state where more Democrats voted in the Republican primary than Republicans did. That usually only happens in Chicago, and those voters are dead. It's not easy to lose badly in a situation like that and then claim victory. She must be getting advice from Liz Cheney. Ooh. So what gives? Why would Nikki treat a New Hampshire hammering like a win? Just because she lost by less than expected? Hell, if Michael Jordan had that attitude, he wouldn't be in Cooperstown.
But it comes down to money and power. If she acts like she lost, there goes the gravy train and maybe she thinks if she sticks around, Trump might put her on the ticket. After all, when it comes to people, Trump will trash them, then appoint them, then trash them again. It's his thing. One day you're in, the next day you're out. I'm the same way with my proctologist. Now by some predictions, Nikki did better than expected, although after Iowa she could have showed up and lit a chinchilla on fire and the media would have said she did better than expected. The media says the same thing when Biden doesn't poop his pants. But Trump's victory means the deal is pretty much sealed. And if we know that, Nikki knows that. Which is why, as primary day approached, a new Nikki emerged: woke Nikki. Suddenly, we're hearing pandering anecdotes about Nikki facing discrimination for being brown when she was growing up. Nikki also claimed that she was disqualified from a beauty pageant when she was five because she was neither black nor white. But hey, that's happened to me too. I also blamed race when I didn't get the role for Webster. But it's part of the game. You pick a lane. And hers was identity.
NIKKI HALEY: We were the only Indian family in our small southern town. I was teased every day for being brown.
I get it. I also was teased for being brown. But what do you expect when you get 28 wedgies a day? Well, look, I'm not questioning her origin story or how it impacted her life, all that sucks. But when you're pandering to the Dems as a Republican, it's kind of embarrassing. So last night, her constituency wasn't really Republicans, it was Democrats. In a way, she's running against her own party, not just Trump. And now the Democratic primary in New Hampshire was also last night. And two little-known challengers got roughly a quarter of the votes between them. There's Dean Phillips, who was so unknown, even his wife and kids asked to see his ID. Marianne Williamson, who has completely transformed into a scented candle. Yet they peeled 25% of the vote away from the sitting president. And hell, even Madonna after plastic surgery is more recognizable than both of them. Maybe it's because Biden didn't even go to New Hampshire. He was in Virginia. Maybe he thought it was New Hampshire. And it was there that he said this.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hello, Virginia. And the real governor, Terry McAuliffe.
How's that for election denial? Maybe someone should file articles of impeachment right now. I say he should go to prison with the rest of the Jan 6ers but they've suffered enough already. So while the media contorts itself to somehow make this a loss for Trump, and Nikki spends tens of millions getting pummeled, Biden appears weaker, frailer, and frankly, deader. So when the media tells you this thing is far from over, they're right. The problem is they're talking about the wrong guy.
