Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. You know, before we get to the monologue, we actually intercepted some celebrity Valentine's Day cards and we thought we'd share them with you. First up: Dear Valentine, if you really loved me, you'd buy one of my awful books, love, Brian Kilmeade; Happy Valentine to the best brother ever... Love, Ilhan Omar; Happy Valentine, I'd kiss you if my face could move! Love, Nancy Pelosi; Happy Valentine Joe... But I'm not your sister. Love Jill Biden; and, Happy Valentine, bllurghghghgapimp! Love, Joe Biden. All right. Oh. Thank you. Courtesy laugh. I feel like I'm at a golf match.
All right, to the monologue. So on this Valentine's Day, I'm afraid I have to break some bad news about our president. America, he's just not that into you, because as Joe continues to neglect this relationship of ours, we're seeing the results of his terrible presidency. Unchecked illegal migration, crime running rampant, inflation off the hook, the chances of World War III are growing faster than a stain on Joe's pants. And yet, the news coming from our government is a kaleidoscope of catastrophes, which Biden and the media are still trying to frame as progress. For the past week, we've been led to believe it's Biden's age, that's the issue. But is it really? There are plenty of old dudes doing fine all over, like Steve Doocy and Peter Doocy. So it's not just Joe's age that's the root of the country's problems. It's neglect of our basic systems. Let's take the border. Hell, everybody else does.
HOUSE VOTES TO IMPEACH DHS SECRETARY MAYORKAS OVER BORDER CRISIS
On Tuesday, the House voted to impeach Alejandro Mayorkas over his handling of the migrant crisis, but that's more overdue than that book I stole from the library. It's for height people. Now it's the first time they've impeached a cabinet secretary since 1876. That was back when Joe was in diapers or rather, back when he started wearing diapers. Of course, Joe criticized the vote, saying history will not look kindly on House Republicans for their blatant act of unconstitutional partisanship. He called it unconstitutional after having a long conversation with Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She's dead. Just so you know.
Now, the Democrat controlled Senate will likely dismiss the charges, but the issue isn't going away, and neither are 10 million illegal immigrants. Especially since Joe Biden's job growth numbers are likely built on illegals. According to the Center of Immigration Studies, all employment growth has gone to immigrants compared to 2019. In other words, maybe they are taking our jobs. No joke. Here's the latest promo for "Fox &Friends." Wow. They have more tattoos than Ainsley.
And wait to hear stories like this one out of Boston, where virtuous souls are taking the migrants into their own homes and turning them into slave labor. One woman took in a Haitian woman and even boasted that it's like having her own personal chef. Yeah, when Dems say build back better guess they mean with indentured servants. I just hope that doesn't give any ideas to America's cotton industry. Yeah, a little cotton joke. So, yeah. Migrants, they're the pets that walk themselves, but maybe she's on to something. Maybe I can get my own personal masseuse. You know, the one I had before just left. And thankfully, I'm being ruled out as a suspect in his disappearance, so far. So we keep being told things are great. You know, it's like we're Madonna and we just asked our assistant how the plastic surgery looks, but it's anything but great.
You want cause and effect. If the cause is uncontrolled immigration, here's the effects: Denver is slashing all city services to pay for the migrants, including its police and health departments., 9-1-1 now requires reservations; New York City cut services across the board, including potentially canceling the next four police academy classes, and I love those movies; New York State is spending twice as much on services for each migrant than on homeless vets; Chicago homeless shelters are so overrun migrants have been sleeping in police stations, city busses and airport terminals at O'Hare, they live there with no ID or vetting. Yeah, but make sure you don't have a four ounce bottle of shampoo; and, in Cali, Newsom extended government run health care to all illegals while legal Californians faced growing waits for medical services as the state projects a $68 billion deficit. If that sentence were any more backwards, it would read, hot is Greg. I don't like you people.
And how have many of these illegals been repaying us? They've attacked cops in Times Square, which is yet another job Americans already do. They shot at tourists and cops right outside this very studio as we were leaving. You know, thank God my assistant shielded me from the bullets. Well, that's one less job review. Now they run shoplifting, chain snatching and organized crime gangs, riding mopeds, literally dragging women through the streets and it was a stolen moped. Which means there's now one virgin who can't get to the library. They started human trafficking rings that brand women behind their ears.
Suddenly, as Trump once said to great outrage, "they aren't sending their best." He was right, because that includes a major Venezuelan prison gang. True, Venezuelan President Maduro is a commie thug who hates us, emptied out his prisons and sent his bad guys here and he's not taking them back. Seems like a solvable problem. Why not put them in sacks marked foreign aid and send them to Ukraine? Of course. The New York Times recently ran a piece trying to highlight how Republicans are the problem, right.
HERE ARE THE 3 HOUSE REPUBLICANS WHO TORPEDOED MAYORKAS’ IMPEACHMENT VOTE
So illegal immigration is good, but it's still the fault of evil Republicans that we can't stop it. You know, it's funny, all these idiots telling us to tighten the border now are the same people who told us there was no border problem just months ago. I wonder what changed. Well, an election is coming up and Joe looks like ****. But also, we've learned once again that the hole is always greater than the sum of its parts.
For example, a pair of glasses and hair extensions on their own would have no value, but put it together and you can make a career. But also an unfettered migrant crisis, plus rising crime, plus a depletion of resources equals America at its breaking point. Hell, even a drunk woman could do the math.
